Hey Kids,

It’s been a week and maybe time for an update.

My steroid meds reached their full residual strength and for the next week, I’ll be weaning back off of them. I’m not sure what all would happen if I just stopped, but the warnings received were enough for me not to want to experience. My body feels battered and not right and today I can’t regulate my body temperature; I am burning up. I’m hoping, if nothing more, to get back to feeling normal.

The ability to hear with my left ear has not improved to any level that I can confirm. It occasionally rattles like an old car stereo speaker with loud external noises. Whether this is better than before, I’m not sure but it’s different. I cannot hear normal speaking tones and volumes. Occasionally I ask Annette to speak into my ear. I hope her voice to be the reason the ear decides to repair. If I was my ear, I would.

Despite the void of external sounds, the head inside is plenty noisy with a combination of high pitch rings and dead air static, much like a speaker left powered. The more the external noise without or the sound of my own voice; it grows louder. Sometimes it gets hard to think of anything but the noise.

My right ear is not left unaffected. I test it constantly to make sure it works, by brushing my finger along the outer ear. It’s strange the reassurance that the noise resonates. Normally it would be an unpleasant sound, and yet it’s music. As the noise increases in the left ear, pressure builds up against the right inner ear and makes it hard to understand noises such as spoken words. Usually a quick swallow gives quick, temporary reprieve.

It’s hard to tell where the meds, the exhaustion of the second overnight job, and the weariness of the noise; begin, blend, and end. On top of that, the pressures of learning new work duties and the stresses of the day job add to the pile.

I pulled into a drive thru (the meds have me constantly thirsty and hungry, I had to get tacos), I could not hear the speaker to order. Real life interrupted. I’m experiencing a loss.

I do not mean to sound like I’m depressed or pessimistic about all this. I am a little down but I realize I still have so much. Many people have dealt with more, but for me this is my life and it’s what I have for context.

I’m frustrated yet thankful for all I do have. A job(s), a roof over my head, plenty of food, warmth, vehicles, otherwise good health, a strong body, an alert mind, and a will that does not know quit. I have a woman who loves me more than I deserve. So when I come to the realization that I may never hear again in one ear, that the discomfort that I’m experiencing right now may be more permanent that I would like, and that the conversations with people I’ve enjoyed so much in my life may be limited from here on out; I have to realize on the tally sheet I’m still on the plus side.

I do not know what the next week and beyond will bring. It doesn’t really matter, it’s going to be what it’s going to be. Instead I need to look to what new opportunities are available.

The most obvious, maybe I’ll get more writing and editing done if I’m not spending so much time yapping. One person in particular pointed that out to me.

With a little too much enthusiasm in her voice, I might add.

Day 292