Open Door?

Hey Kids,

Today the door was opened and to both of our surprise, I was there. Delivering a card of birthday wishes, usually left at an unopened door, my knock was answered.

I saw the surprise fade into dread and then regret for not checking first who might be at the door. Your eyes sunk down, unwilling for the most part to take me in your sight. I understood, maybe more than you know.

But you were polite and spoke with me, answering my questions. I kept them vague and nonintrusive to encourage further dialogue. I savored your words, knowing they may be the last I ever hear. I only wish my words to you were of more value, but you were not there to see me and I dared not indulge.

I love you my son. I miss you. Thank for your kindness of decency, your wish of a good birthday to me, and your respect to give to me a little time.

I will treasure this moment. May it become lost, however, in a sea of others more welcomed in the future.

 

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Thanks Babe

Hey Kids,

I haven’t always been this happy.

Recently, I came across a short writing that I obviously penned one morning a little while back. It described a typical morning during some personal dark times. Absolutely dreadful.morning

I had forgotten how depressing many of my mornings used to be. Reading that piece, which I don’t exactly remember writing but yet I do, I recalled many of the sad, self-destructive feelings I dealt with on a near daily basis. The contrast to how I feel today is shocking.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t struggle like I did. I don’t feel helpless, hopeless, and alone like I did. I see the world in an entirely different light. I look forward to the future and enjoy the present.

I wasn’t really ever alone. I had friends who patiently watched me, encouraged me, and put up with me. I wouldn’t have. But there is the lesson.

I’ve heard many times that in order to love someone else, you need to love yourself first. I don’t agree with that. I hated myself. I despised my feeling of worthlessness, my weakness.

Despised!

I disgusted myself and then I would hate myself even more. Even thinking of those times when depression dropped to its lowest, I’m embarrassed of myself.

Don’t bother trying to tell me I shouldn’t. I do. And it’s my right to call myself out. My depression was based in my own weakness and my own inability to cope with the situation at the time. I apply that diagnosis only to me. Everyone else can call it however they see fit for them.

But I can tell you I loved the people who stood by me. Especially the one who had to deal with it every day. Although I tried to hide so much of it from her, she saw it and still had to live with it. Actually she didn’t have to; she chose to, and that made me, while hating myself, love her even more.

I kind of like me now, because she loved, and loves me still.

I’m no head shrink, but I can tell you when it came to loving me, someone else had to go first.

Day 170

Love at Next Sight

Hey Kids,

I fell in love today.

My new love?

Huntsville, Utah.4th-of-july-at-texas

In the midst of a Hell’s Hot Saturday, we decided to hop on the bike and head up into the middle of the mountains to the little town in the middle of a lake (on a peninsula). And in the middle of this town is a restaurant that sells pieces of heaven called Texas Barbeque (speaking of Hell’s Hot) in the middle of tall shade trees, large lawns, and historic buildings.

IMG_20150627_132229We sat outside under the tall shade trees, systematically trying every part of our Texas Sampler. The heat of the day disappeared with the cool breezes weaving their way to our table. We thought it couldn’t get any better. Then,

The store next store sells shakes. Need I really explain anything beyond that?

Huntsville is my new favorite place.

Again.

I’ve been before. But every time I go there, it’s like I fall in love all over again.

And I’m sure I will again.

 

Day 124

Surlendemain

16eb72d681e90e4153ac5d761c6fc188Hey Kids,

The French have a word for the day after tomorrow, Surlendemain.

The Expression goes: “Never put off till tomorrow that which you can put off until the day after.”

It’s easy to think that there is so much time that it’s OK to put things off. And there is; unless it’s important stuff.

Two people I know have died recently. Both suddenly. Both shockingly. Neither by accidents. Both had people around them that had no idea the last time they spoke with their loved one would be the last time.

Don’t let time rob you of love. Don’t let it rob you of caring and sharing. Don’t let it rob you of company. Don’t let it rob you of doing the things you want to do.

Surlendemain is a perfect time to take out the trash, mow the lawn, or learn French. Today, give someone a hug and tell them you love them.

Day 66