Disney Magic

Hey Kids,

As I sit here in the tire center of the Super Store, enjoying my lunch amongst the stacks of tires and their promises of extended life and superior traction, a song plays.

It’s a popular song from a long ago Disney movie.disney

It conjures memories so strong that I can nearly taste them.

I remember watching the movie with little ones hanging on me.

The memory intensifies with the telling of it.

It pleases and it hurts.

It’s worth it tonight.

It’s always worth it.

I miss you but as the song playing states, you’ll be in my heart forever.

And always.

 

Post #366

If I Were A Rich Man

Hey Kids,

I whined a little last night about being poor. So it’s only fair to take account of those things in which I am rich:rich man

I have 5 kids. And although our relationship is a little one-sided, I have five human beings I get to love unconditionally. No matter what, my heart feels for them. I think of them. I have 5 people for which to cheer through life. I love those kids and I always will.

I have a super wife. It’s unbelievable to have someone who is always on your side, always there to encourage me, and always there to lean on. If I had nothing else, she would be enough to feel as rich as the Prince of Brunei.

I have two motorcycles. Some people are saying, “So?? I have 5”. OK, that would be pretty awesome; one for each weekday. But I know it wasn’t very long ago I was saying, “Man, a bike would be so cool”.

I have this sense of confidence. Maybe that sounds arrogant, but that goes with confidence. I just know that I can pick up my game at any time, do anything that I have to do. I’m not afraid to bet on myself. Somehow, someway I’ll survive. I’ll make it.

I’m mechanically minded. I can figure stuff out. I was taught at an early stage of my working career to ask when something shows itself as a problem: what would I be afraid of if I was that thing? Believe it or not, that works in a lot of situations.

I’ve found a place in life where I get to do what I love: to write. I love writing and I’m not too bad at it. I’ve written for a national magazine, and now I write for myself. I’m so lucky to live in a time where being an independent writer is not only possible, it’s the favorable way to do it.

Speaking of writing, NaNoWriMo is going well. I’m a little ahead of schedule and going to try to steal whatever time I need to get my words down early in the month. I worry about Thanksgiving weekend. It’s fun to watch this story I’m writing come along. As of right now, there’s a good chance this will turn into a book that I might actually release.

I guess that’s enough “I love me” for now. I think it’s just good to remind myself how good I do have it and things are only as bad or good as you want to see them.

 

 

NaNoWriMo: 5,300/50,000

Day 253

Canyon of Memories

Hey Kids,

It’s the evening before our wedding and the start of our marriage.

The normal thing the day before, apparently, is to be nervous or anxious but I’m not. I’ve got a still cool and inner excitement instead.

At this writing, I’m sitting at a large kitchen table in a cabin located at an elevation of about 8,000 feet in Big Cottonwood Canyon, Utah- my favorite canyon in the world.FullSizeRender (2)

This canyon holds so many memories for me. My family and I have made so many trips up here over the years. I can tell a story or share a fact about most of the 17 miles of road from the mouth of the canyon to the glacier-cut bowl at the top. I know every curve of the road, every stretch of hills, and every turnout. We have been up here so many hundreds of times that I bet we border the 1000 number.

Tomorrow the ceremony will be at Silver Lake. I know this lake even better. Every part of the 1 mile trail and boardwalk holds a story of when this or that happened. Over there is where the boys scaled the rock wall. That sign over there is where Dakota slipped and cut his head just above the eyebrow. We’ve seen moose here, and here, and over there. The best place to spot the fish is on the bridge or the overlook on the other side of the lake. I can go on and on. The memories come on so thick sometimes they crowd out the mosquitoes.

Sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming up here. The memories attempt to mock the fact that there will be no new ones made.

But isn’t that the fact with all memories? Their entire existence is based in the past. My nest simply emptied earlier than expected and much earlier that I would have ever wanted. That’s what hurts.

Tomorrow I will start a new era of my life. A woman I love and who loves me is about to become a permanent part of it. Instead of leaving my favorite place in the world in the past with its memories, I’ve decided to continue to create new ones. Tomorrow will be a huge addition.

There will be no sadness as I gaze on the familiar rocks and trees and see the reflection of my young children. My walk around the lake with my new bride will be but another set of footprints added to the thousands I have left before and but a small example of what I hope to leave in the future.

The cool calm and the inner excitement is what I call happiness, and I seem to have plenty of that nowadays.

Especially tomorrow.

 

 

Day 221

A Father’s Wish

Hey Kids,

I know that by the time you read this you would’ve already received word from me that I’m getting married this weekend. I hope anyway.shot_1287856973461

I’m struggling right now, wishing all this would’ve been different.

I wish we would’ve recovered our difficulties by now, that our lives would again be shared.

I love you. I miss you. I hope when you read this message, you know I wanted nothing more than you all to be with me.

Love,

dad

 

Day 217

My Lake

Hey Kids,

I moved around a lot during my upbringing.

Although a little skewed, I attended 10 schools in my 13 years of public education. Yes that includes Kindergarten. No I didn’t repeat a year. Nice try.

During that time, it’s hard to grow attached to any one place. So when I find a place to which I do grow attached, rest assured it’s a good one.

During the years of raising kids, the recreation money wore thin and we found many hours recreating within the minivan and driving into the mountains that border the Salt Lake valley.

Within these Wasatch Mountains is a canyon called Big Cottonwood and 17 miles up the canyon, where it ends at nearly 9,000 ft. elevation, lies a small mountain lake called Silver Lake.

During the hundreds of trips, we saw the improvements to the trail and boardwalk around it. We’ve been there during scorching summer days and have tromped through knee-deep snow banks. I pushed strollers and later begged kids to slow down. I’ve dragged teenagers out of the car and watched them reluctantly enjoy themselves.

We’ve seen moose and deer, watched the beaver build their dams and lodges, and watch the hundreds of trout rise in the evenings for their daily gorge of insects.

Silver Lake grew to my most favorite place in the world. Every step holds a memory. I know the trees, the banks of the lake, and the wood planks of the boardwalk as if they were family. I can tell a story related to every point on the one mile trail. It’s a picture board of my life with my kids.

Those days and events have stopped now. The chronicle of my children’s life will no longer be measured against the backdrop of this beautiful setting. The visits have dropped in frequency and always void of children.

In less than two weeks Silver Lake, however, will be the site of the wedding to my new bride.

The past will remain in the past and in my memories. The future lies before me. The thing that will remain consistent is my favorite place in the whole world shared with those I love the most.

 

Silver Lake Utah

Silver Lake

Day 209

Birthday Week- Tuesday

Hey Kids,

Birthday Week continues into Tuesday and more things worth getting older.

Tuesday- My Kids.

Me and my babies at "our lake"

Me and my babies at “our lake”

I don’t get to see them anymore, at least for now. They’re a big reason why I write this blog (hence “Hey Kids”). I want them know one day who I am, and not who they thought I am or been led to believe I am. I want a history of my thoughts, my daily writings, and my dreams and fears.

I regret not a day in having them. I begrudge not a thing that I couldn’t have because we had to buy diapers, formula, shoes, clothes, and the like.

I don’t pine for a single event I missed because we bought a minivan instead. I loved every minute spent with them and I hurt for every moment I’m now denied.

I’m grateful they, you, are doing well from what I’m told. I’m proud of who you are becoming. And I look forward to waiting this all out and seeing you and my grandkids later on.

I’m happy to know that not a mean thought is spent on you. My arms are open, my heart is longing, and not a minute of my time will be spent seeking recompense. I’m sorry for how you were hurt, but I’m willing to do what I can to ease your pain and gain your forgiveness.

I’m happy to be alive and seemingly in good enough health to keep going for a while. I’m here until God takes me or we find our way back into each other’s lives. Whatever comes first.

My wish is for the later.

 

Day 78